LET THE RIDE BEGIN!!!!!

Today marks the beginning of the next phase of my blogging career. This post and the ones to follow will be of every day occurences, the wierdness of life and my journey through it. Rest assured it will be laced with humor, expose detailed thoughts, convictions that I would lay on train tracks for and many questions of why humans do what they do. There are so many topics reeling through my mind, I need to breathe a moment in order to pick the first one..... (ok breathing done) Let's start with one of my favorite issues..... Me.

You see I said "issues". I have many. Who doesn't?? People just pretend they don't. Hide inside the facade of a happy face. Through trial and many errors, I have finally come to terms with myself. I now know, I am where I am supposed to be in the right here and now! Doesn't mean it makes me thrilled that my 50 inch plasma is friggin' on the fritz, but I know everything happens for a reason when it is supposed to happen.

We make and create our own destinies. We are only victims if we "let" others rule our minds.

Be proactive not reactive.

T

A short vent

I started hospice care yesterday. The only change is now the affirmation i have 6 months or less to live has been made. The writing of my will, living will and power of attorney documents has been somewhat uncomfortable. But necessary. Rodney's comfort level has been shattered. The kids remain upbeat and positive as they watch the steady and now rapid decline in their mother. Jocelyn continues to cling to me every chance she gets..... Jordan blurts out how he will miss me when i go to see my mom with the angels.
Regina is holding me together well, so i can continue to apply glue, to hopefully attach enough standards for Jocelyn to reflect on during her lifetime without me. I have made videos, written letters, created scrapbooks, only to realize it is never going to be enough. appreciated, yes. But never enough to feel the voids in my childrens lives. I have no doubt Rodney will do his best and our kids will be well cared for, its just a mommy thing i guess. i hate that i am going to miss the most important dates in their lives.
so today i write just a brief amount, as to vent only as long as i can sit and type.......
there are still better days ahead.
Celebrate and be grateful for the air we breath..
B & L
T

Light flickers in and out

Today is literally the 1st day I have had the energy to write. The events of August completely drained the breath from my life. I no longer possessed the energy to live. I felt my soul sliding to the other side. Then Regina started as my caregiver. She brought hope and light that the end indeed could be postponed. She has taken better care of me than I thought was possible.

My spirits have been lifted my soul renewed.

My children have remained constant and strong. My much too young caregivers, shower me with love and affection every day. Jordan had a brief and rare, extremely saddening break down one evening. I had just been put to bed by my sister and he came bedside, layed his head on my shoulder and sobbed. He simply stated he was sad and disease was bad. My heart broke again. After a few minutes he collected himself, hugged and kissed me but the usual skip in his step was replaced with a sluggish slide. I asked Tana to wrap her arms around him. She said"oh he'll be alright." "We'll go into the living room and watch t.v." Yep, had tears running down my cheeks as usual.
Her maternal instincts have never materialized where my children are concerned. She can take care of a life sucking, money draining pathetic man all day, but blood obviously is too much to handle. She informed me Friday that she would be unable to help us out on the weekends taking care of me. She could come at the most 2 weekends a month, but that was it. Her life is crazy and she needs to take care of her self. Just maybe she really sees now that she is out of control or perhaps just stated that as a means to avoid family obligation. She clearly said she is not a caregiver and watching me go through this is just too much for her to bare. Jocelyn and I talked about this..... Her comment, "Mommy, I'm only 7 and I'm dealing with it." WOW!
That is one powerful little woman. I'm am so blessed.
So again, I have released Tana, by way of Rodney calling her, any responsibility associated with my family. Perhaps, one day when / if she gets her mind right that there will still be a path to my door.
Fall is in the air. a crisp clean breeze is flowing through my house. It's a great day to breath.
B & L
T

Chaos ripped me apart

I'll start by saying.... this family, caring for me and the emotional roller coaster of life is way too much for a single, unexperienced person with a big heart to deal with.
We let Shannon go yesterday. A brief commentary of this past week......
Rodney needed to leave for a family situation on Thursday morning. So Shannon spent her first night here wednesday. She was clearly uncomfortable from the beginning. She got the kids ready for school, and put me back to bed. I let her have her boyfriend over for company. They layed around all day and watched movies and got annoyed when I needed her peppy at 2p for Jocelyn's arrival from school. It just kept getting worse from there. By Friday morning she was overwhelmed and crying. Then she left me alone for 3 1/2 hours until Jocelyn got home. Too much responsibility placed on 7 year old shoulders. My girl took care of her mother as she always does... I love that young woman!
Shannon finally arrived back at 5:30p in time to get Jordan from his school dance. Then she proceeded to invite her mother, 7 year old sister, and 19 year old sister over for mexican night.
I didn't eat for 10 hours. I finally got put to bed at 11pm. Good intentions ended up nearly pushing me to hysteria. Anxiety, stress and plain tiredness engulfed my body and released another weakening. Saturday morning arrived, I left her alone until I could no longer hold my blatter. It was 9am. She huffed and puffed. Realizing my lasor tongue was about to slash the life out of her, I asked her to please leave.
Jocelyn made breakfast. Seriously! This one makes the best scrambled eggs ever!
My emotions finally burst when neighbor Gail came to check on us. I couldn't stop crying. She started the ball rolling of a day, which included friends Stacy and Craig bringing food. Stacy gently washed every inch of me and was happy to do it. Craig hung out with the kids. They rode bikes and played all day. Karen showed up and the cleaning frenzy started. The bathrooms, bedrooms, hardwoods, rugs, dusting and the kitchen all were polished. Tana arrived and did all the laundry. With order restored in my house, calm eased its way into my veins. The wine helped too! I went to bed feeling loved but was angry at Rodneys absense. I felt abandoned.
I know in my heart he is just plain burnt out. Somehow, however, I still think he can save me. He has always saved me from myself and the many other unfortunate events of my life. I have put up such a high bar, that now as he is free falling I am finding little compassion. I must work on this. He is doing the best "He" can do.
With all that, we are hiring a professional....... Her name is Regina, she has worked as a CNA before and has agreed to help this fragile family. She is wrapping up her current job and will be with us shortly. Until then, Tana is sleeping over. Friends are coming to our aide. We are learning that this journey now requires a team. Everything is settling into place.
This morning the weakened me showed up. Tana got me out of bed and followed behind my powerchair to the bathroom. Normally, I could still stand up using the walker to get to the toilet. Not today. My legs crumbled beneath me as I again found myself on the tile floor of my bathroom. She woke up an exhausted Rodney to hoist me from the tile. Lesson learned..... no more attempts with the walker to use the bathroom. Another independance feature of life stolen from my tired body.
So I type this now, letting Rodney sleep, holding back the urge to pee my pants...... Awe life, the struggles and joys.
More soon.
B & L
T

Our Shannon

The last post; before the discounted Health Benefit schpill; ended with The outline to the end.......
By the way, the Health Benefit plan really is fabulous..... just saved a ton on new prescriptions!!!! I signed up as a IBO (Independant Business Owner, under Rodney's name) so yes, I am selling it as well... gotta make some money to pay for "Our Shannon." So send me all your friends who are un-insured, or under-insured....... or anyone who wants a way to make some extra cash. I've already recieved my 1st commission check of $71.00 for signing up 1 person. This is a great company.

First I will start by saying we've employed a wonderful human named Shannon. Her duties, caregiver/nanny/ wife... are absolutely saving my sanity, my humor, my life and have far exceeded any vision I could of hoped for. She has come to the rescue of this very needy family.

We are just over a week in and already order is calmly starting to ease us into yet another transition period.

She is fabulous!!!! Another person brought into my life for a specific reason. Thanking the Divine for this one. I truely needed someone to come in and truely have the desire to do nothing but "help". And boy oh boy has she!

Her given nickname is "Our Shannon." Smile. Jordan calls her his woman......

Some healing has begun in other areas of a friendship that was nearly severed years ago. A much needed sounding board for Rodney is being restored.

My new ergonomically designed adjustable bed arrived, I am finally sleeping without waking to my spine on fire. Much needed relief indeed is entering our lives.....

My 4 month Dr. appt. was Friday........ the short version, it was bad. Really bad. My lung capacity is down to 51%. Shannon took me and I felt so bad for her and Karen who met us there.

For two hours, the docs tried to convince me, now is the time for a feeding tube to be installed ( for lack of a better word). I didn't cry, but my voice cracked with each word I spoke trying to remain strong. I elected along time ago nothing evasive, no tubes, no vents, no trach. They want the tube now because my breathing is so weakened, my survival rate of the surgery to install is still decent. I firmly stated "no." My battle with this disease is going into year 8. I am tired. Plain and simple. Tired. And if I come home w/ tubes projecting from my body, my children will know the end is near and freak. They were here to watch the end of my mothers life...... I just want to go to sleep one night and let nature rule. Of course, it will be a planned night, so that my children will be spending the night somewhere else, enough pills taken to relax a weakened respiratory system to a point they simply stop working. Nothing gross, no gasping, no drama....... just a beautiful peaceful drug induced sleep to help aide my body to relax and let my soul ascend.

My life has been full of love, beauty, humor which resulted in two precious children that I love more than life itself. They are much too young to have to grow up w/o me, but they are also much too young to take on caregiver roles. so it is wrap up time. Get all the people in place to assist Rodney (aka Our Shannon, my friends Stacy and Jennifer and Tana, who will each play vital roles in day to day issues.) My girls Robin and Abbe will be able to share stories of a silly woman with a tainted sense of humor. Arlene will provide the calm reassuring voice, indeed my spirit still lives and that my love surrounds all who touched my life..... Each person who chose to stay in our lives, my endless thanks and gratitude will forever remain a constant.

My goal: my ultimate goal is to make it until June to see Stacy get married. My 2nd goal is to make it until March. I have to give Jocelyn a Princess ballroom limo riding 8th birthday party. I fully anticipate the 2nd goal very achievable! October 29th will be Jordan's 15th birthday and some sort of disco/ club theme party has to happen. The boy wants a dance party, and I will see to it that it happens!!!!!! Smile.

My father is losing his mind and thinks I am going to croak at any minute..... Perhaps if he had not waited a year to visit he wouldn't be so anxious now to come and try to cram all the holidays into one visit. I told him, he needed to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas and the appropriate holiday would be celebrated to the fullest during the actual holiday. If we randomly celebrate a holiday my kids will sense the unusualness of it and fear of the end will consume them. So basically I told him this, then Tana reiterated the same during her conversation with him.

This brings us to today..... I am happy, alive and grateful to have woken up! Blessings to each of you who continue to read and share my journey!
I do feel your positive energy.
B & L
T

Valuable Info on Health Benefits

Hello all.... this is a side step from my usual entries, but thought the info beneficial!
I finally found a company (Ameriplan) that offers unusally high discounted rates on Dentist, Vision, Prescription Drugs and Chiropractor visits at an extremely low price of $19.95 a month for the whole family.
As many of you know, Jordan was deemed medically unneccessary by Medicaid 18 months ago and my search for any type of viable coverage as been a long arduous one. This is not insurance, but a spectacular discount program for anyone who is under insured, uninsured or just need a supplement to existing coverage. It also has a Medical benefit componant if interested.
Please check out the website and refer this to anyone you may know that is interested in saving money on health care.
www.everyonebenefits.com/40535377
Blessings & Light
T

The Return

We left our driveway listening to endless chatter from the kids.... How much fun we were going to have, the pools, the ocean, seashells, dolphins and white sand beaches to fill our days. Five hours of driving brought us to our brand new resort chock full of amenities. Colorfully and cleaverly designed and extremely family friendly.
The kids were in heaven the moment we arrived. I shuttered in horror when the realization how unhandicapped accessible the facilty acutally was. The toilets too low in the condo, shower too narrow to get my wheelchair/ walker in, no wheelchair ramp onto the beach.......
The bed too high, the doorway into the masterbath too narrow for my walker to fit through.
I slept on the couch and every time I needed to use the restroom, Rodney had to assist. Frustration inside the condo walls was as endless as the sand below the balcony. I purposefully didn't eat or drink much to keep the jaunts to the bathroom to a minimum. After two quite painful body slams to the tile floor in the bathroom, I remained in my manual wheelchair except for sitting on the toilet or lying on the couch. Sponge baths from a tired husband was less than thrilling or fulfilling. Dutifully, he washed me, while I closed my eyes and vacated my body.
A new level of weakness has begun its invasion.
The beautiful part in all of this...... My kids had the best time ever!!!!!!
Once the three of us left the confinements of our condo, bliss started. A waterpark, hottub, 3 pools and a lazy river with a Bar and Grill over looking the beach was spectacular. I took them to the pools each day, excpect for Wednesday when we went to a Marine venue. I read a Jackie Collins trash novel and drank a few adult beverages while watching my children enjoy being kids.
No way for me to get into the pools either. Sucked. But, the purpose was for the kids to have one last vacation with me that was stellar!
It was hard and rewarding, my emotions were high and Rodney's inability to deal with my decline kept him isolated from us. He took them down the stairs to the beach twice. They loved it. Jocelyn is planning on making seashell sculptures with her findings.
I did my best to remain calm, and for the most part achieved it. Watching the kids frolick brought me much needed joy. I love them so much and it is with great pain I say this was our last vacation.
Next post ...... The outline to the end.
Blessings & Light
T

Vacation is in sight!!!

We leave Saturday for a week long excursion to the white sugar beaches of the Florida gulf coast. Respite for a family that desperately needs some fun..... Together. I'm hoping the inconveniences of toting me around are outweighed by the sound of laughter.
While I will say the "blue" period is still surrounding me, it is starting to change to a lighter shade, resembling the peacefulness of the ocean.... I am trying so hard not to be emotional, but the truth is.... This will be the last vacation with me still possessing any reasonable mobility.
It means everything to me, to be able to experience and witness the joy my children will express. This resort is fabulous and pictures will fill the other site!!!
Jocelyn came to me the other night and asked if I were to have tubes (Trach / Vent /Feeding) would I still be able to talk? I simply replied, "yes" in the beginning, but eventually "no". She smiled and said "well, mom, maybe that's not so bad, you do talk a lot!" Then she hugged me and said just kiddin! The kicker came next.... "I don't want you to have tubes and not be able to talk to me, because I know you won't like it. " Tears filled her 7 year old eyes and told me she would take care of me until I die, then she will hold me in her heart forever.
Yep, I cried too!
So with that.... We need a vacation, a fun filled, relaxing, swim suit, sand in your butt, belly busting laughter kind of vacation..
I found a bed. Had to buy it, to the price of a near panic attack. It will arrive around the 2nd week in August. Another much needed device to aide in my comfort.
So, more maybe next week while sitting poolside or maybe not...... smile
B & L
T

Blue

The kids returned to camp yesterday.... Jocelyn to her Science Camp for the week and Jordan back to his beloved summer excursion. Both eager to break ranks from household boredom.

I, in much need of sleep.... My bed has become yet another hurdle to conquer. the short girl syndrome strikes again. I stand using my walker and Jocelyn hoists one leg up so I can edge my way back scooting centimeters at a time. Rodney leaves for work usually before we head off to bed. No beverages consumed hours prior to calling it a night. I can no longer get myself out of the bed easily, so exits to the bathroom are down to extreme necessitites.

So my morning naps are being hindered greatly!!!! Yesterday I tried to sleep in my powerchair. Not a great rest. My back hurts more and I was pretty crabby all day, and finally cried when my neighbor showed up at 8pm, telling me how I inspire her. It was nice to hear, but frankly right now I don't feel inspiring anything but bitterness. I am looking for someone, a company to help. It's all going to be private pay and I'm freaking at the thought of how much this is all going to cost.

I'm looking at adjustable/ hospital beds, hoping Medicare will pay for something, then, where is it going to go.... my life is turning upside down and melting in the middle. Yes, I am feeling more than blue. Rodney is trying, but his emotional capacity is less than what I need right now! He gets to escape this house every day, going to work, running errands or whatever... I'm left, and I feel like I'm left, rarely asked to go anywhere, he's always in a hurry and I'm simply not able to be whisked. A few friends are still trying. More have left. I am getting much to tired to fight alone. My inspiration remains steady with my children. But they are far too young to have the burden of caregiver......

Sorry no uplifting messages of hope today.

T

My sanity level is actually mild to moderate. Scary. Just need sleep.

The Silence Has Been Broken!!!!!

Yes, that means Tana and I have spoken. I had a disturbing dream Saturday night and woke up Sunday, knowing that I needed answers. I emailed her asked the questions and she replied.
Both agreed too much time has been wasted and want to forge ahead. No talking about the issues that lay deep inside our roots. Maybe we never will. She came over yesterday for the 4th bearing peace offerings in the form of baked beans, potato salad, deviled eggs, mac n cheese and a self baked loaf of bread........ Rodney grilled dawgs, burgers and chicken.
We ate, we laughed, we lit fireworks.
Maybe life can be as simple as food. I'm off to the shower, then a nap...........
Sanity will be discussed next time.
T

The Days are spent

I have been thinking again..... I know, I know. It can't be good. I think way too much. Guess that's what an over abundance of free time allows or rather forces me to do. I'm in the middle of the 4th and last new book I purchased since my last entry. Reading at least lets me escape into someone else's life for awhile. Mini vacations actually. I mostly read non-fiction, biography's, and memoirs. I like reality, others views on life, personal experiences that give insight to why the writer chose to put words to paper.
My own book is in a perpetual state of editing. Somedays, most days, I feel as though I will never finish. But I keep writing. Hoping one day all the blocked emotions will flow effortlessly into each chapter. I realized today, however, that most of what I want in this memoir is being stated with each new post here, in my blog. The silly stories of growing up which framed me are a huge part of my writing, but there is more now. More feelings and experiences upon which to draw the outline of my character. Such a complicated process to define. I am clearly not a dot to dot, and for some reason I expected my writing process to connect me all together. It has not.
Every time I write, I start at the beginning and re-phrase and arrange; as if I am sitting down to complete the entire work in one evening. Oh, the energy I put into the words that fill this boundless book. So perhaps the very entries found here will someday find there way into this elusive novel.
My sister and I stll have not spoken....... I recieved an email from her friend however. Telling me to forgive, life is short, find peace. Crazy thing is, I am at peace. Yes, I do miss her. She can call me anytime. She must first admit the truths laid out before her and I don't think that is going to happen any tme soon.
My father calls every Saturday at 9am. We engage in weather conversation say I love you and do it again the next weekend. He no longer asks how I am, I no longer volunteer information. I know he hears the short breathes I take. I wonder sometimes, where the Dad I grew up with went? did he totally die that night with my mother? Why can't he be stronger and face reality that he is wasting precious time with me? Their training period will end around December soemtime. Which means, unless I croak he won't be visiting anytime soon. I stopped asking him after the ALS walk last September to visit more often......
Silence, a deafening silence has crept into my life. I spend way too much time alone.
I gave the kids a break from summer camp next week to sleep in and run amuck. We'll see how sane I am next Saturday.
B & L
T

The sweet tile floor........

Summer camp is an enormous success. No calls from either of my children's daytime escapes, except for Jordan "borrowing" another boys t-shirt. They both seem to be happy and undamaged. This is the first time in 12 years, I have not set up a kid friendly pool in my yard. Or had a waterslide and sprinkler set up to rival that of any waterpark...... Yes, friends this year marks the first time since Jordan was mearly a baby, I have not gone to extreme lengths to make sure hot weather was fully enjoyed.
The sun, my friend and healer, has become somewhat of a distant lover. No longer can I venture out into its warmth unaided to lay beneath the glow. Last summers antics of topless tanning on my back deck are now just memories. In fact, I haven't been on my back deck since.... I can't remember. Which means it has been many. many months. The slight tan lines I have this year are from reading a book in my driveway, in my powerchair, with my legs propped up onto the bumper of my car. Oh what ALS does to a body in a year. This time last year, I was downloading tunes onto my phone so that I could listen to my favorite music (Lenny, of course) while I melted into a chaise lounge on the deck. I got up at my leisure and used my walker to tote all my necessary sunbathing items. Walking was slow, but it was walking. Yes, I crashed and burned, hit the floor but always was able to recover and pull myself back to a standing position. So when spring came this year, it was a heartbreaking separation. I have always loved the sun. It soothed my soul. The warm rays energized my spirit. Sitting in a black vinyl wheelchair has decreased my desire to sit outdoors. It is much too hot. I sweat and stick and get burned by the plastic armrests. The sun is now avoided, unless a childs plea overwhelms me. I sit indoors blankly staring at a the computer, waiting for words to flow into sentences to complete my book, or I read. I read a lot! Want a good book to read.... email me, I'll gladly give you a Title. Seriously.
I buy books from overstock.com... and most everything else I purchase is from an online experience as well.. Read on.
So last week I decided I had enough drama with pulling up pants and shorts after using the restroom. I had a brilliant idea, I will buy dresses. WTF????? Me. Wearing baby doll dresses. Again, the differences a year makes. So I started the shopping frenzy. Visiting one website after another to collect the style and colors I wanted. And about $400 dollars later, ( 15 minutes, civilian time) I had 6 dresses. I postponed the bra and panty purchases for a hopeful visit to Target with my dear friend Jenn.
Last Friday Jenn called said "You still want to go to Target?"" "Hell Yes!" She arrived and we decided food would be a good idea before exploding into the Super Target. Mexican, yes her and I do love our mexican fare. We each had a Crazy Taco and shared a pitcher of margaritas.......
What a wonderful way to spend a friday afternoon. Drinking, eating and conversing with a special friend. We laughed hard drunk belly laughs. I felt alive and forgot for a moment that peeing was going to be insanely difficult. Another bathroom situation with a friend hoisting my ass off a toilet. Beautiful.
But this story gets better. We were on our way out.... heading to purchase bras and big girl panties, laughing and waving to Juan, our server. 'Til the next time. Adios.
We got to Jenn's car and proceeded to get me to a stand. Done. Slight pivot, ready to sit and viola, I did not make it. My legs gave way. My ass didn't reach the seat. Jenn shoved her knee into my stomach, wedged under my ribcage to keep me from hitting the asphalt. Somehow, we managed to keep me in the car. I was holding onto the steering wheel with all the strength I had as she ran around the car to pull my arms and hopefully drag me onto the seat. Didn't happen. I couldn't hang on........ I slid down into the foot compartment. And there I sat in a stunned drunken almost sober stupor until Juan was summoned by Jenn to assist.
Yes, we still went to Target, but the euphoria was clearly blasted. I bought something like 15 pairs of panties in hopes I would like a few..... No bras with potential found.
So this brings me to today.... I am wearing a black baby doll dress that is much too short with a pair of panties that I like. I selected this outfit right before I decided I was a revised edition of Wonder Woman. I felt strong . I knew showering unaided was a risk, but hey aren't all things deserved a risk??? I used my walker, I walked, I manuevered my way into the shower, pleased and independent. Holding the grab rails tightly, the water washed away my worries of an unsuccessful attempt of getting in. But I still had to get out. I told myself I was strong. The walker, just outside the door waiting for me to grasp and steady myself. My right leg stepped out. I held onto the walker, my left leg wouldn't move. I begged it to move. It disobeyed me outright!!!! Once again I hit the beautiful tile floor in my cleaverly designed bathroom.
This time however, my clothes, lotion and my callous remover were all within my reach. So, until Rodney came into the house I sat on the floor taking care of business. It would have been a great time to feel sorry for myself once again, but damn crying just takes too much energy.
And it always leaves me feeling empty and alone.......
Today, i was strong enough to get into the shower solo. Yea for me. So what if I didn't make it out standing up. I got out alive, no blood shed, conscience and unbroken. Success.
With that.... Be well. live fiercely and fully without regrets.
B & L
T

I'm squeakkeee clean!

I'll start by explaining the title..... Today was the first time in months I actually used my custom designed tile bench in my custom designed walk in shower. Perhaps the word "custom" should have consulted a handicapped person prior to my envisioning its existence. The door is wide enough for a walker or wheelchair to fit through, only an inch up to step to a gradual sloping tile floor and two rails on opposite sides for optimum balance, I however chose a low bench as I am a short girl. I wanted to sit with my feet firmly planted on the floor. This was my oasis, no swinging of legs in here. Much to my chagrin, this low bench stopped getting used sometime back in March when I went through my weakening and constipation period. Hitting the hard tile floor twice and crawling out of the "walk in" shower hurt too much to attempt sitting a 3rd time. Since, I have lost most of my stomach and lower back muscles which helped facilitate the hoisting of my body from the bench holding firmly to my handrail on the left side.

So for about the last month I have an alternating hygiene schedule. Unless I am extremely funky or feeling strong, showering happens every other day........ I use a lot of sanitary wet wipes. I sort of feel like I'm in junior high doing a half bath. This time however, I'm usually on the toilet in mid change of clothes. Stop laughing or smiling or feeling sorry. I have accepted another limitation and use an obscene amount of hand sanitizer. If only I could figure out what to do about my hair issues....... But today, I smell really, really good. And just for a bonus, my legs and armpits are shaved on the same day. WOW! Oh, yea. This shower experience happened because I finally asked Rodney to help me. Getting my left leg up that 1 inch is "almost" impossible. And today I decided, since I need help anyway, WTF. All or nothing. Some things never change. Smile.

The kids have FINALLY started summer camp. The 2 weeks they were home only confirmed, I was never supposed to be a stay at home MOM! I slept endlessly yesterday. Plus there was no time to write or have an interrupted thought for that matter.

So it's day two of camp and Jordan already decided to not just take, but wear another boys t-shirt home. I got the call from his counsler and was advised indeed the shirt was not a gift, as I suspected. He however is still insisting that Ms. somebody gave it to him.

Jocelyn is going to the Y this year and seems mesmerized with the contents of the play ground, the indoor pool and just this very afternoon had a dance class..... 2 days down. We go on vacation the 21st of July.... Pictures of course will flood my other blog site.

I still haven't spoken to my sister. This is the longest vow of silence to date. I have no idea when or even if at this point what our coming together will bring, probably World War 3. A friend did advise me she just thinks I need to "cool off" before she speaks to me after that hateful email I sent. Too bad it wasn't hateful, only truths that she refuses to acknowledge.

My father and his wife moved back to Montana and started a new job at a retirement facility. Guess any hopes he will be visiting soon are erased by a new employer that most likely doesn't grant vacation time before serving 6 months. Our Saturday morning talks always end the same, no real emotions shared and the casual I love you at the end.

I can't say enough how happy I am today that I smell really great. It felt spectacular to take a shower that wasn't rushed by my legs getting too tired to stand and my arms and hands cramping from holding on so tightly to the hand rails. Yea!

Life is good.

Blessings & Light

T

A Day at the Kidd house......

It never seems to amaze me how crazy and sporadic life can be, although yesterday was a bit extreme.....
Rodney found this car/truck thing... CUV - Lincoln MKX - that he just melted over. It was time to purchase a new driving machine anyway. So last week I went online customized the vehicle to his specifications, had it delivered to the dealership then yesterday a wonderful young man drove it to our doorstep.
Hello, this takes internet shopping to a whole new level. laughing. And I thought buying a plasma t.v. online was huge. I am now officially self proclaimed the internet shopping queen!!!!!
okay that was the huge high to the day..
9pm arrived and Jordan walked into the dining room covered in blood. He was playing with Rico and apparently the dogs claws caught his bottom lip in two places. So instead of yelling or sensing danger, Jordan just kept wiping the blood away with his hands. By the time he came to me, his hands were covered, his face from ear to ear and his clothes....... Yes, people I completely freaked!!!! He looked liked he was in a Friday the 13th movie and Jason won!
It was awful. He has such a high tolerance for pain and the distinction of danger clearly does not represent itself. Rodney took him to the Emergency room and after 4 hours and some antibiotics they were back home. No stitches required, thankfully.
This was the extreme part of our day........
Lets hope for a mellow tomorrow.
B & L
T

A thought....

Sunday was absolutely flawless!!! The 1st annual ALS Awareness month picnic. Wow what a long title for a "picnic". lol. Saturday, Samantha took me and the kids to pick up the helium tank and balloons, to Wendy's for a fastfood bribe and then to the grocery to buy provisions for the picnic on Sunday. Shoot, I was tired after all that.
Sunday came and brought us an incredible day. Not too hot, a mild warm breeze, a cloudless sky, good food, great friends, a purpose and a wonderful way to spend a sunny Sunday. The few of us enjoyed each others company and mimosa's..... Mimosa's should be mandatory on Sundays!
Tana was absent from our outing as I have still yet to hear from her. Have heard through the grapevine however, indeed she has deemed me evil once again after a lengthy email I wrote her.
Oh, well. I have just come to a place in my life that settling for less is not an option. Blood or not. Either join me on the road, or the dust from my wheelchair will hit you. Am I too harsh? Maybe. Have I always been? Probably. However, I am done with trying to change. I am who I am. I can only work on me. My tolerance level for slackers is just decreasing.
I do realize that everyone has issues, I'm just to a point where I no longer have the energy to keep stagnate people in my life.
So with that..... Life is good. I am glad to be alive. I am thankful for waking up.
Today I met with my neuro doc at GA Tech to deliver a grant proposal for the development of assistive robots for people living with motor neuron diseases, specifically ALS. WOW!
I need a personal assistant that doesn't talk back!
Yea, I want one.
B & L
T

Where to start?????

It's been a bit crazy the last few weeks here in my camp..... Summary: One day I went to the ALS clinic to donate more blood and had a painful lunch experience with my sister. Another day Rodney was running late so I drove my scooter down the road to meet Jocelyns bus. The skies opened up and broke my sturdy umbrella around me, then after she got on the scooter and started driving us home; the friggin' scooter died in the middle of the street. Beautiful! Caught in the rain has brought yet another experience for me. We laughed until Rodney rescued us 10 mintues later and pushed me up the street, up the ramp and into the house.... Poor guy got a good workout that day.
I went to a Strategic Planning session for the ALS Board, and was quite pleased with the results.
I hung out with my friend Jenn, we had lunch and got Manicures and Pedicures. We went to my friend Stacy's graduation party and then yesterday just her and I went to Jocelyns award program at school, then to breakfast then to drink a couple of yummy martini's.....
So I have had some great moments. However, the deal breaker is always the same, what to do with a tortured relationship that I have with my sister.
New information has presented itself, same premise, same ill fated choices, only the names of the others involved have changed over a more than 20 year span. I am at a loss. Salvaging just isn't a priority any more. It simply takes too much energy to have her in my life. The pure truth revealed in a photo. What to do????? What do I want to do????
Not sure yet. I am thinking this one out and have advised her it would be a few days before I could calmly speak with her. WoW!! Tami paused for evaluation before declaring war? What's up with that? It's called evolving my friends. I am really trying here to do the right thing and not f**k the situation up more than it is.
I know that the only person I can change is me. But, can I accept those that do not meet my expectations and readily know they never will? Unconditional, non-judgemental love. Who does this? Parents? Siblings? Spouses? Lovers? The jury is out. Not sure when it will come back and my mouth remains shut until I can answer with conviction.
Some who know me are probably bewildered that I have chosen to think instead of slay with words. I certainly have never been labeled as non-confrontational. The magnitude of this situation is life altering. Scary actually.
Stay tuned.
T

A New Friend

Yesterday, I was blessed with the presence of a Freedom Fighter of sorts. A woman who along with her 13 year old son choose to become involved with this disease we call ALS.. She and her son championed their first 5k run to raise awareness and of course cash. Without meeting me, they had a sign with my name on it along the course route.
Yes indeed, I tell you. She brought me t-shirts and my very own sign. We talked like old friends for hours. This one is a good woman!
It is so rare to find a relationship that develops into a lasting friendship, put a terminal illness into the mix and the rarity increases. She brought herself in willingly and puts herself out others unselfishly. I find it amazing that she has befriended so many people living with ALS (PALS) and still continues too. She has lost many short lived friendships in a fraction of time, but I can tell you she is genuine pure love.
Amazing........
So to my new friend, thank you for seeking me out and making a point to know me. I too feel as though we were "just catching up" yesterday.
The universe is better because your in it.
B & L
T

My Soul Aches.....

Last night was by far one of the hardest moments of my life to date. My 7 year old, very wize and beautiful daughter clung to me in desparation as she told me she knew I would be dead long before she was ready for me to go. "What am I going to do Mommy?" She cried and cried.......
"I want to die with you, so we don't have to be apart." I tried my best to remain calm as hot tears burned their way down my face. She wiped away my wet cheeks. I rubbed her back until she fell asleep, then quietly when into my bathroom, closed the door and cried an ocean. I called Rodney, he soothed my mind and reassured me he would do everything to ease his children's pain. His voice calm and steady, he reminded me how lucky we are that I have survived this horrible disease this long and my fight is far from over.
I needed to hear that. Lately, I have been feeling very out of sorts.
Our house hunting adventure is being postponed. We have decided that we need to sell our house first. We found the perfect location and community to build exactly what we want and need. So we do some minor repairs and put this home on the market.
With that, we are planning a spectacular summer.
So more soon......
B & L
T

Not enough time...

I can't believe it is already April. Thursday the 5th is the 5 year anniversary of my mothers death. Oddly enough, the saddness that has engulfed me in years past has eased. While her loss remains a constant in my heart, I have finally accepted and appreciate what her life meant to me. The last month has been an incredibly difficult period for me. My bodies decline has consumed my thoughts. I let negativity in and it took its toll again. However, with the sun shining brighter and warmer days ahead I am getting some of my energy back.
But denying the inevitable is no longer a luxury I can afford. Time is no longer a friend. I have been writing at a crazy speed the last week to get my book finished. My hands are no longer functioning well and if this book is ever going to get to an editor and hopefully a publisher then I must finish.
I am making plans for a crematorium to handle my last wishes. The purchase of 2 small urns, one for Tana the other for Jocelyn is grossing me out. If Tana gets one, then I know Joce will get crazy if she doesn't get a part of me. After all, she has told me she just wants to wrap my body in holiday paper and keep me forever after I die. When I explained in 7 year old terms, what happens to dead bodies she decided maybe she should just keep my heart in a jar. I said no to that request too. Hopefully a tiny urn with an angel or butterfly on it will suffice.
Sunday, I fell really hard. Came straight down onto my walker. My ribcage got stuck on the seat and because of these darned short legs I couldn't get off. Rodney had to witness this horrific display and ran to my aid as I couldn't breathe and finally was able to push my self off only to hit the hardwood floor. More bruises and a sore stomach that feels like I got punched 42 times.....
House hunting is planned for tomorrow. The renters are still planning on moving here..
There are so many details that need my attention, sometimes its overwhelming. One day at a time.
Enjoy today people. Gaze to the heavens an be greatful your alive, breathing and able to move freely. Love and laugh like you mean it. Stop pretending to be happy and look inside your heart and find what will make you happy then live it.
With Passover upon us..... Rejoice in what God hath made and giveth.
Blessings & Light
T

A New Day

So finally today I feel as though a human still resides within this body. The last few weeks have been filled with a tired mind, body, and soul. So much so, that I haven't even logged on to check emails... Yikes I say!!!! Anyone who knows me, knows this is huge. The constipation issue, brought on; limited food for a week and a continous weakening overall.
The lightheadedness is an insignificant symptom compared too the numbness of my tongue and throat. I told Rodney yesterday, how ironic it would be if my voice was lost. The one who talks the most should lose the ability to speak.
It has been an incredibily hard couple of weeks. My children are at odds with themselves. They want me to get up and be better. Jordan is acting "crazier" in school. He has had such a stellar year, his teacher doesn't know what to do. Out of the blue, he walks into class like another kid. He grieves for me and doesn't know how to vent his feelings to let others understand. I am what you would call a translator.......
I do worry for him when i am no longer here. I hope I get enough things in order for him so he transitions decently.
Joce on the other hand is going to be lost....... She is soooo attached, I really do feel my heart break at the thought of not being here for her. She told me tonight "when I go to college, will you cry"? I said yes. True. Even if its from above. Not much tonight as I have been sitting too long and need to lay down.
More soon.
B & L
T

A Sunny Sunday

My clinic appointment Friday went extremely well. I have lost 12.8 pounds and my breathing is back to 82 up from 74 in October. Even though my left leg is declining and now my back is getting increasingly tired and fatiqued, my overall evaluation was stellar. My friend Carmen took me so she could experience clinic for her grant writing position with the ALS Association from a caregiver's perspective.
So Saturday, March 17th 2007, St. Patrick's Day around the world, will be a day engraved in Carmens mind forever. The green clover day will never be experienced without a memory of me in it for her. Yep, it was that kind of moment. I did not say day, because the "day" was great. She picked me and the kids up so Joce could interview John for yet another 1st grade project at 10am. We arrived to the Police station and got ready for my reporter to conduct her interview, but alas I have been drinking so much water to deal with a constipation issue that I needed to pee. So I made them wait, I had to video the interview so we could make sure we got all the necessary info for this damn project. I knew missy wouldn't be able to write everything down that John would say and basically I wasn't taking notes......
So, Carmen took me to the restroom. Feeling strong and enthusiastic I felt I didn't need the handicap bathroom with the rails on the walls. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I couldn't get my arse off the toilet!!!!! Yes, it was great. At one point I was laughing so hard, I nearly fell off the damn thing. finally with the wheelchair positioned directly in front of me I leveraged myself to a stand with Carmen holding the chair in place.
She had to pull up and place my thong (I don't wear full panties any more due to the fact I can't get them out of my ass when they ride up). Then she got my pants up. It was by far another vanity check for me. It was quite something to realize I had no choice, and thankfully she was my friend and apparently wasn't too freaked.
Never again will a bathroom unequipped with hand rails be used, unless of course the only other choice is to pee my pants. But I will not be able to get off alone...... Note to caregiver, friends and family, keep Tami near accessible bathrooms at all costs.
It was a good day.
My potential renters emailed today. They want the house, but won't know for sure about their finances until June. Do I wait, or do I advertise???????
I will meditate on this one. It will work out the way it is supposed to, I do believe there are no mistakes.
B & L
T

Another Experiment

My neuro doc has requested my spinal fluid..... How do you say no to that one??? Considering I am one of only a handful (living) with the SOD1 mutation, the type of ALS that runs in families. Add to that I am the genetic carrier for Down Syndrome, of which my son has. Both genetic dysfunctions happen to appear on the 21st pairing of chromosomes, puts me in some what of a freakish category.
They want to study my plasma to try and determine if a link between the two can be found. If so, genetic altering in the future maybe a solution for high risk individuals. My daughter also is a genetic carrier for Down Syndrome. I found this out while pregnant with her after an early amnio revealed results.
I still remember the day October 15, 1999. It was 5pm on a Friday. I couldn't wait any longer and called the Dr.'s office one last time in hope that an answer would end my racing mind.
He said, yes Mrs. Kidd, your baby is going to be fine, however is a carrier and shares your same genetic makeup. I knew then, the baby was the girl I had always dreamed of having.
She has a 50/50 chance of also having the SOD1 mutation. She can not be tested until she is 18.
I am doing the best I can by leaving enough information behind for her so that she will understand (if that's possible for anyone) what her genes mean. I pray that by the time she is ready to start a family that genetic altering will be a common practice so she will not have to face a decision that I was going to make. I already had one child with Down Syndrome, I was not willing to have two.
I made my mind up early in the pregnancy that if the results were positive, I would terminate the pregnancy have my tubes tied and never have to face this horrible life altering decision again. But the Divine had other plans for me and mine. I recieved a precious daughter, who loves me endlessly and sadly enough will loose me long before I am ready to say goodbye.
I developed symptoms while pregnant - over 7 years ago now. I struggle with the fact she never knew me well. We never got to run through the sprinkler together as Jordan and I did when he was younger.
So this all brings me back to my appointment on friday. Yet another procedure that won't heal, help or bring hope to my immediate future. Only the possibility it may save my daughter. I told my husband yesterday that I didn't care if they ripped my arms from my body if there was a chance she wouldn't have to experience this disease.
An extreme analogy he says..... but truthful. I would and will die for my children, to keep them healthy, safe and alive.
After all what's one more spinal tap at this point.... I have already had 4. Gross. Life continues, and we must be grateful and thankful each day we get the opportunity to wake up and enjoy it!
B & L
T

It's March.... I am, will U?????

I can't believe March has arrived. Time seems to be flying by as my body is growing very tired. I knew this disease would speed up when, when I slowed down. Afraid to sit for very long has kept me energized thus far. However, my body is now not complying. The less active I have become, the harder it is to move. I watched the movie "Million Dollar Baby", again last night. So sad. I feel her pain and frustration of laying in a bed unable to move. And as she begs "boss" (Clint Eastwood) to help her die. I have had the same conversation with Rodney. He says he will do whatever I ask. I decided the day my mother died that I would not be hooked to any device to prolong my life.
While I do believe my mind is stronger, it is not strong enough to live inside a paralyzed body. I have a machine called a Cough Assist that pushes air into my lungs to keep them from collapsing. I should use it everyday. I do not. Purposefully. I want my body to die all at the same time.
I don't want to breathe if my body can not move. I do not want to move if i can not breathe on my own.
I will continue to March to my drummer as i always have.
On a lighter note, the renters from San Diego will be here Thursday to view the house..... I am so excited. I know they will love it, who wouldn't?!!!!!
I have found so many great housing communities, it is thrilling me to "pick" my families next house.
Breathe like you mean it. Feel the precious air fill your lungs and be grateful for another day to share your life with the ones you love. I do.
B & L
T

My Mind Today

I will start will something rather exciting..... The theory of Law of Attraction. Put out into the universe what you really want, put forth postive energy and action and exactly what you want will manifest into your life. Well people I'm here to tell you, its real.
Just for kicks, I logged onto Craigslist yesterday to check out people wanting to rent houses in the ATL. Not tomorrow, or next month but sometime in the summer. Guess what, a couple moving here for 28 months from San Diego need a house near/ easy to get to Emory. Looking for exactly what we have. They will be here 2nd week in March to meet us and view our fabulous house.
We went house hunting again today, got lost again. We really need to buy a map.
It's fun, looking at these homes that we used to only dream about. Guess, this puts our plan into a higher gear of action!!!!!
Loving it. Deal is not sealed of course, but what is the likely hood someone needs exactly what we have when we want to move by. Go figure.
So with that...... I am a bit dismayed by my father. I asked him Saturday if he would consider meeting me in D.C. in May for the ALS advocacy day and congressional hearings. I even volunteered to pay for hotel and half of his airfare. He called me tonight, after telling my sister yesterday that he couldn't do it. His wedding anniversary is thursday, the day he would go home. And he has plans for the weekend. His words: "That Washington thing, I can't go." In a tone that negotiating was not an option. I simply said, "oh, ok, no problem."
Yes, I realize perhaps I am being selfish, but hello, I do have a terminal illness and I am not getting better. My left leg is weakening at an alarming rate and just thought maybe, just maybe I would be important enough for him to spend time with me.
He said he would come more often, guess thats not going to happen. Again, I just have "To Be."
Funny thing is, I am sad, but not surprised.
Thats it for today..... I am off to dream of my new home that awaits........
I am glad I lived today.
B & L
T
My feelings are hurt.

Thoughts.....

By Nelson Mandela

Our deepest fear
is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are
powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
who am I to be brilliant,
georgous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God
that is within us.
It's not just in some of us;
it's in Everyone!
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others!

I came across the above poem today. A friend sent it to me awhile back and I just kept her email. These words are also featured in the movie Akeelah and the Bee.
I am having somewhat of a difficult period in my life and am searching for the strength to find peace within my self. Dreams of the picture perfect life, yes perhaps I secretly wanted to be Bree Van de Camp, Desperate housewives, but I also just thought my life would somehow end up differently.
Not that it is over, I still have a ways to go, but I do see the end coming faster than slower. The progression has increased quite a bit in the last month. My left leg is really getting hard to move. Grief enters the body through the left side. And i have been greiving for so long, the loss of my mom, the loss of my personal independence and finally the loss of a relationship that has been over for neary 8 years. Admitting and being honest with myself has been quite a battle. The sense of failure has loomed so close to my head for so long. Until now, I didn't realize it wasn't me who failed. somethings just don't work out. For what ever reason. I have to forgive, move on and live the best way I know how.
I write this as a personal reminder.... Tomorrow is the beginning of another chance to give, share, laugh and love.
Live life like you mean it.
B & L
T

Yesterday.....

Okay so the Colts won the Super Bowl. Who cares??? Lots of people I guess. I happen not to be one of them, think its crazy the way grown folks act over a game. Over sized 12 year old boys being paid handsomely to Play A Game!
My mind wandered a lot today. Yesterday was my mother's birthday and after 5 years my heart still pauses heavily. Last night, I meditated chanting Elohim for 20 mintues or so.... Felt relaxed and uplifted. I asked the Divine to send her to me in my dreams, just for a small chat, or even a glimse would do, no such pleasure. However, my sister called to tell me of her strange dream first thing this morning. My mother was in her dream, behaving like a drunken, life of the party girl, in a bowling alley bar. I suggested perhaps that our dear mother was trying to send her a message in the very clear reversal of personalities.
Not sure if she got it, or pretended not to listen because she didn't answer or acknowledge what I said. Typical.
I am almost finished reading Barack Obama's novel "Dreams from my Father". Highly recommend this one. His life, his inner struggles so poetically written. It captured me from the first page. I love a good read.
So people out in cyberworld..... I ask this. Is the United States of America, land of the free, ready for a Black Man to be President? And if you read the book, you will get a candid glimpse of his life. He certainly admitted to usage of illegal drugs, will he be judged more critically than Clinton, who did not "INHALE." Most likely. He is after all a Black politician in the White man's house.
I find him to be a true soul, who told his story and has paved his own way into our history and pop culture. He crosses lines that few black men have been able to do. Not because of lack of desire, but because White America simply was not ready for Blacks to at the very least be equal.
He is handsome, nonthreatening in appearance and falls into a clean shaven articulate category.
Blacks view of the single word articulate a slam. I don't blame them. Stereotypes are what keep us divided.
Do i think he has a chance for the White House? Yes. If played right, he could use his South African Father's History, his White American mother's roots and bring a nation to it's knees. I have a Dream, that one day we will all be considered worthy first and judged only by our efforts or lack thereof.
A simple dream where religion, skin colour, and class of citizenship wouldn't hinder potential friendships, partnerships, and unions.
It is a shame to claim you are free, when your mind has been programmed to discriminate without even realizing it.
Open your heart instead of your eyes, the soul has no boundaries.
B & L
T

February 3, 07

My need to vent has eased up in the 5 hours since I fell off the toilet and had to have Jocelyn help me pull my panties up before I asked her to go get Rodney to pick me off the bathroom floor. The last few days have been spent in deep thought.
First, I have all these plans to create a successful awareness Advocacy Day at the State Capital in May. Secondly, that any woman diagnosed with a terminal illness, disease, something that takes away personal hygiene ability be allowed to by pass insurance issues and get a hysterectomy. Sounds a bit weird, but trust me, any woman will tell you having a period every month sucks and that's just the way life is. We have it for about 3/4 of our lives and deal with the cycle as best we can. Some are plagued with painful cramps, others lasting too long! None are pleasant and only welcomed when an err in judgement occurs.
So with that in mind, Woman "have" to take care of this part of being female. However, when disease strikes and personal Independence taken this task must be performed by a caregiver, usually the husband or companion.
The ultimate test, next to giving birth, of humility.
Even though I still control all of my personal needs, I do see a day not so far away that demands assistance. Meditating alot on this one.
My Mother's birthday is Monday Feb. 5th. Ironic, 5 years since she has been gone. The stabbing pain in my heart has eased, but the chronic sadness of missing my Mom still remains......
T

'Nuf said!

A day in January

I got a call friday afternoon asking if i wanted to Chair the Advocacy Committee on behalf of our ALS chapter.... hell yes!!!! My friend Carmen will be on it with me along with the new E.D. of our Association. Advocacy Day is May 14-16 '07 in Washington D.C. So friends beware, I will be soliciting your time for some volunteerism.
The T.V. finally got fixed and our home movie experiences has resumed. Only problem, I got pretty sick for about 2 weeks the beginning of the month and it weakened me greatly. I can no longer get up the 4 inch drop from my living room to the hallway unassisted. Really sucks! The isolation in my own home has begun.
My independence is truly slipping away. Sometimes I forget that I have this disease because it has progressed so slowly and I really don't remember walking unassisted, or the free feeling of running and dancing. Although in my dreams I am never diseased. Wierd.
I also believe that because I do believe in positive energy, Laws of Attraction, I have been able to stay healthy longer than most with ALS.
My mind since getting diagnosed has become stronger instead of letting the ultimate demise of death permeate my thoughts. Maybe on some level it is denial, I prefer to think I'm just not done learning the lessons I was so obviously put on this earth for.
Any one ready for some good reading???? The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
Really makes you think how "words" affect the universe. Recently, I sent out a forwarded email with the message about the Holocast during World War II. to sum up... a little boy asks a elderly man why he kept the number tatooed on his arm, "is it so you can remember he asks?" "no", replied the man so that you will.
Very powerful. too many countries (Iran, Iraq) are trying to convince the world that this massacre did not occur. It did happen, and still haunts those living and families of those lost.
Please don't forget. Ignorance is intolerable!
blessings & Light
T

The New Year begins....

Like I thought I could possibly stay in a transient state forever..... smile. The New Year brings promise of greater rewards, greater achievements, greater everything. Why? I ask this every year. Why does a calendar date mean change should just be instantaneous? I don't make resolutions. I believe if you are in need of altering, you should be in the process of fixing it regardless of the date. Never once have I kept a resolution I made while drinking with friends' celebrating a New Year just before us.

This year I maintain my stance on just trying "To Be." Not involve myself unneccesarily in other's issues and remain calm when my inner self is raging a full out war to fix the universe and everything in it.

I had a great conversation with my close friend Robin the other night..... I laughed so hard, I nearly cried... It felt good. Yesterday, Tana came over and made homemade spaghetti & meatballs, YUM!

Today, Carmen came and took my children to the park, lunch and to a dollar store to spend $5 that a fabulous neighbor named Angela game them each for Christmas.

I was truly blessed to wake up these days. I need to remember that. I have had the pleasure of so many wonderful people in my life over the years. Yes, they have come and gone, but the memories and experiences will forever be cherished.

Today, albeit feeling a bit bruised from choices made so long ago, still feel grateful that I am alive, give thanks to the Supernal and love my children endlessly.......

Tomorrow...... Another chance to give, share and practice how "To Be."

T