The Days are spent

I have been thinking again..... I know, I know. It can't be good. I think way too much. Guess that's what an over abundance of free time allows or rather forces me to do. I'm in the middle of the 4th and last new book I purchased since my last entry. Reading at least lets me escape into someone else's life for awhile. Mini vacations actually. I mostly read non-fiction, biography's, and memoirs. I like reality, others views on life, personal experiences that give insight to why the writer chose to put words to paper.
My own book is in a perpetual state of editing. Somedays, most days, I feel as though I will never finish. But I keep writing. Hoping one day all the blocked emotions will flow effortlessly into each chapter. I realized today, however, that most of what I want in this memoir is being stated with each new post here, in my blog. The silly stories of growing up which framed me are a huge part of my writing, but there is more now. More feelings and experiences upon which to draw the outline of my character. Such a complicated process to define. I am clearly not a dot to dot, and for some reason I expected my writing process to connect me all together. It has not.
Every time I write, I start at the beginning and re-phrase and arrange; as if I am sitting down to complete the entire work in one evening. Oh, the energy I put into the words that fill this boundless book. So perhaps the very entries found here will someday find there way into this elusive novel.
My sister and I stll have not spoken....... I recieved an email from her friend however. Telling me to forgive, life is short, find peace. Crazy thing is, I am at peace. Yes, I do miss her. She can call me anytime. She must first admit the truths laid out before her and I don't think that is going to happen any tme soon.
My father calls every Saturday at 9am. We engage in weather conversation say I love you and do it again the next weekend. He no longer asks how I am, I no longer volunteer information. I know he hears the short breathes I take. I wonder sometimes, where the Dad I grew up with went? did he totally die that night with my mother? Why can't he be stronger and face reality that he is wasting precious time with me? Their training period will end around December soemtime. Which means, unless I croak he won't be visiting anytime soon. I stopped asking him after the ALS walk last September to visit more often......
Silence, a deafening silence has crept into my life. I spend way too much time alone.
I gave the kids a break from summer camp next week to sleep in and run amuck. We'll see how sane I am next Saturday.
B & L
T