The sweet tile floor........

Summer camp is an enormous success. No calls from either of my children's daytime escapes, except for Jordan "borrowing" another boys t-shirt. They both seem to be happy and undamaged. This is the first time in 12 years, I have not set up a kid friendly pool in my yard. Or had a waterslide and sprinkler set up to rival that of any waterpark...... Yes, friends this year marks the first time since Jordan was mearly a baby, I have not gone to extreme lengths to make sure hot weather was fully enjoyed.
The sun, my friend and healer, has become somewhat of a distant lover. No longer can I venture out into its warmth unaided to lay beneath the glow. Last summers antics of topless tanning on my back deck are now just memories. In fact, I haven't been on my back deck since.... I can't remember. Which means it has been many. many months. The slight tan lines I have this year are from reading a book in my driveway, in my powerchair, with my legs propped up onto the bumper of my car. Oh what ALS does to a body in a year. This time last year, I was downloading tunes onto my phone so that I could listen to my favorite music (Lenny, of course) while I melted into a chaise lounge on the deck. I got up at my leisure and used my walker to tote all my necessary sunbathing items. Walking was slow, but it was walking. Yes, I crashed and burned, hit the floor but always was able to recover and pull myself back to a standing position. So when spring came this year, it was a heartbreaking separation. I have always loved the sun. It soothed my soul. The warm rays energized my spirit. Sitting in a black vinyl wheelchair has decreased my desire to sit outdoors. It is much too hot. I sweat and stick and get burned by the plastic armrests. The sun is now avoided, unless a childs plea overwhelms me. I sit indoors blankly staring at a the computer, waiting for words to flow into sentences to complete my book, or I read. I read a lot! Want a good book to read.... email me, I'll gladly give you a Title. Seriously.
I buy books from overstock.com... and most everything else I purchase is from an online experience as well.. Read on.
So last week I decided I had enough drama with pulling up pants and shorts after using the restroom. I had a brilliant idea, I will buy dresses. WTF????? Me. Wearing baby doll dresses. Again, the differences a year makes. So I started the shopping frenzy. Visiting one website after another to collect the style and colors I wanted. And about $400 dollars later, ( 15 minutes, civilian time) I had 6 dresses. I postponed the bra and panty purchases for a hopeful visit to Target with my dear friend Jenn.
Last Friday Jenn called said "You still want to go to Target?"" "Hell Yes!" She arrived and we decided food would be a good idea before exploding into the Super Target. Mexican, yes her and I do love our mexican fare. We each had a Crazy Taco and shared a pitcher of margaritas.......
What a wonderful way to spend a friday afternoon. Drinking, eating and conversing with a special friend. We laughed hard drunk belly laughs. I felt alive and forgot for a moment that peeing was going to be insanely difficult. Another bathroom situation with a friend hoisting my ass off a toilet. Beautiful.
But this story gets better. We were on our way out.... heading to purchase bras and big girl panties, laughing and waving to Juan, our server. 'Til the next time. Adios.
We got to Jenn's car and proceeded to get me to a stand. Done. Slight pivot, ready to sit and viola, I did not make it. My legs gave way. My ass didn't reach the seat. Jenn shoved her knee into my stomach, wedged under my ribcage to keep me from hitting the asphalt. Somehow, we managed to keep me in the car. I was holding onto the steering wheel with all the strength I had as she ran around the car to pull my arms and hopefully drag me onto the seat. Didn't happen. I couldn't hang on........ I slid down into the foot compartment. And there I sat in a stunned drunken almost sober stupor until Juan was summoned by Jenn to assist.
Yes, we still went to Target, but the euphoria was clearly blasted. I bought something like 15 pairs of panties in hopes I would like a few..... No bras with potential found.
So this brings me to today.... I am wearing a black baby doll dress that is much too short with a pair of panties that I like. I selected this outfit right before I decided I was a revised edition of Wonder Woman. I felt strong . I knew showering unaided was a risk, but hey aren't all things deserved a risk??? I used my walker, I walked, I manuevered my way into the shower, pleased and independent. Holding the grab rails tightly, the water washed away my worries of an unsuccessful attempt of getting in. But I still had to get out. I told myself I was strong. The walker, just outside the door waiting for me to grasp and steady myself. My right leg stepped out. I held onto the walker, my left leg wouldn't move. I begged it to move. It disobeyed me outright!!!! Once again I hit the beautiful tile floor in my cleaverly designed bathroom.
This time however, my clothes, lotion and my callous remover were all within my reach. So, until Rodney came into the house I sat on the floor taking care of business. It would have been a great time to feel sorry for myself once again, but damn crying just takes too much energy.
And it always leaves me feeling empty and alone.......
Today, i was strong enough to get into the shower solo. Yea for me. So what if I didn't make it out standing up. I got out alive, no blood shed, conscience and unbroken. Success.
With that.... Be well. live fiercely and fully without regrets.
B & L
T