Vacation is in sight!!!

We leave Saturday for a week long excursion to the white sugar beaches of the Florida gulf coast. Respite for a family that desperately needs some fun..... Together. I'm hoping the inconveniences of toting me around are outweighed by the sound of laughter.
While I will say the "blue" period is still surrounding me, it is starting to change to a lighter shade, resembling the peacefulness of the ocean.... I am trying so hard not to be emotional, but the truth is.... This will be the last vacation with me still possessing any reasonable mobility.
It means everything to me, to be able to experience and witness the joy my children will express. This resort is fabulous and pictures will fill the other site!!!
Jocelyn came to me the other night and asked if I were to have tubes (Trach / Vent /Feeding) would I still be able to talk? I simply replied, "yes" in the beginning, but eventually "no". She smiled and said "well, mom, maybe that's not so bad, you do talk a lot!" Then she hugged me and said just kiddin! The kicker came next.... "I don't want you to have tubes and not be able to talk to me, because I know you won't like it. " Tears filled her 7 year old eyes and told me she would take care of me until I die, then she will hold me in her heart forever.
Yep, I cried too!
So with that.... We need a vacation, a fun filled, relaxing, swim suit, sand in your butt, belly busting laughter kind of vacation..
I found a bed. Had to buy it, to the price of a near panic attack. It will arrive around the 2nd week in August. Another much needed device to aide in my comfort.
So, more maybe next week while sitting poolside or maybe not...... smile
B & L
T

Blue

The kids returned to camp yesterday.... Jocelyn to her Science Camp for the week and Jordan back to his beloved summer excursion. Both eager to break ranks from household boredom.

I, in much need of sleep.... My bed has become yet another hurdle to conquer. the short girl syndrome strikes again. I stand using my walker and Jocelyn hoists one leg up so I can edge my way back scooting centimeters at a time. Rodney leaves for work usually before we head off to bed. No beverages consumed hours prior to calling it a night. I can no longer get myself out of the bed easily, so exits to the bathroom are down to extreme necessitites.

So my morning naps are being hindered greatly!!!! Yesterday I tried to sleep in my powerchair. Not a great rest. My back hurts more and I was pretty crabby all day, and finally cried when my neighbor showed up at 8pm, telling me how I inspire her. It was nice to hear, but frankly right now I don't feel inspiring anything but bitterness. I am looking for someone, a company to help. It's all going to be private pay and I'm freaking at the thought of how much this is all going to cost.

I'm looking at adjustable/ hospital beds, hoping Medicare will pay for something, then, where is it going to go.... my life is turning upside down and melting in the middle. Yes, I am feeling more than blue. Rodney is trying, but his emotional capacity is less than what I need right now! He gets to escape this house every day, going to work, running errands or whatever... I'm left, and I feel like I'm left, rarely asked to go anywhere, he's always in a hurry and I'm simply not able to be whisked. A few friends are still trying. More have left. I am getting much to tired to fight alone. My inspiration remains steady with my children. But they are far too young to have the burden of caregiver......

Sorry no uplifting messages of hope today.

T

My sanity level is actually mild to moderate. Scary. Just need sleep.

The Silence Has Been Broken!!!!!

Yes, that means Tana and I have spoken. I had a disturbing dream Saturday night and woke up Sunday, knowing that I needed answers. I emailed her asked the questions and she replied.
Both agreed too much time has been wasted and want to forge ahead. No talking about the issues that lay deep inside our roots. Maybe we never will. She came over yesterday for the 4th bearing peace offerings in the form of baked beans, potato salad, deviled eggs, mac n cheese and a self baked loaf of bread........ Rodney grilled dawgs, burgers and chicken.
We ate, we laughed, we lit fireworks.
Maybe life can be as simple as food. I'm off to the shower, then a nap...........
Sanity will be discussed next time.
T